The Whopper Strategies

A manual for producing the fertile ground necessary for Whopper cultivation. Excerpts from "The Whopper Strategies"

When we ate, we ate healthy. Mostly protein shakes and shots of wheat grass. We really didn’t have the time for anything else. We were supposed to concentrate on the future. The shakes made that possible. They were fast and convenient. Just add water and stir. Not like omelets. Those took forever.

Chuck didn’t like the shakes. He said he needed something more. He even tried to get me to sign a petition he started. It sounded pretty good. Pickles were high on his list. Cranberry sauce wasn’t far behind.

I liked pickles. I could eat a whole jar in no time. Cranberry sauce was pretty good too. But they were both outside the perimeter. Dr. Shaku Itsugiro, the Future Division’s dietician, made that very clear. It was written in the Optimum Diet Plan for Whopper Cultivation. I got a copy as soon as I started in the Future Division. Right there in bold print, it said:

“Stay away from sour foods! They disagree with the body’s metabolism, lower its overall circulation, and have been known to create back aches.”

“As a Future Division Employee, it is your responsibility to stay inside the perimeter listed below. Anything outside, can affect your ability to make decisions, operate heavy machinery, or think about the future.”

Pickles and cranberry sauce were considered sour foods, according to Dr. Itsugiro’s diet plan. They were definitely out of the question. I tried to explain this to Chuck, but he was a rebel. He always went against company policy. Just last week he used the company Xerox machine to make fliers for his performance art piece, Feng Shui on Ice. It was next Saturday at some church in the Bowery. He invited me to go. I wasn’t really big into performance art. Give me Kandinsky any day! But I wanted to be nice. He was new to the company.

“Okay, I’ll go,” I told him.

“Great,” he said, and pulled out a pickle jar. They looked pretty good. He tried to offer me one, but I refused.

“You sure?” he asked.

“I’m supposed to think about the future.”

“Seems a waste.” He said, and crunched into his pickle. It hurt my insides.

I couldn’t resist when Chuck offered another. They were the good kind. They even sounded good.

FW didn’t notice. He was at his cubicle.